And…She’s Back In The Game!

Check out my latest comedy column:

http://brokeassstuart.com/ny/2016/02/08/professional-drinking-advice-for-women/

 

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How To Adult

I don’t know where the awful phrase ‘How to Adult’ has come from, but I’ve forgot. No really, I used to be the multi-tasking Queen. I’m now the Queen of “Why didn’t you just check your calendar?” Because half of the time I forget to put crap in my calendar.

I failed so hard yesterday at being an adult that I just binged watched…

 

Orange is the new black gif

 

You guessed it. The characters are so amazing. I sit there as a writer and actor going: I want to be ‘Crazy Eyes’. Dammit. I’d love to write crazy eyes.

Currently, I am writing a new play. I got sick of the ‘God Complex’ most men in Hollywood Production roles carry around. Yes, I have a vagina. Yes, I am a writer. Yes, I’m probably better than you at script development–because I studied it at one of the top creative writing universities in England. Not because I have a vagina that causes you to throw your toys out your pram.

Cry all the time gif

Reel it back in, please.

I’ve got to the point today where I’m freaking out about baking dessert for my boyfriend parents. Yep. I have a boyfriend. No, I’m not making him up. I suggested dinner with his parents, then suggested that because I’m from the south that I bake something for dessert.

clueless baking gif

I can cook. I cannot bake. Mostly because all of that fatty, fatty goodness we use in the U.S. is not sold in the U.K. I mean, I can’t even bake a blueberry pie by just buying already made pie crust and filling. You can’t even buy cake mix, really. It’s all dry and shitty. No Moist Betty Crocker up in the England.

Thanks Obama LOL

Yeah, I know. Thanks, Obama.

I think part of the actual reason I’m failing at life is due to the fact that I am not living my life. I say that as in: I broke my back last summer. I just found out last month that it’s still broken. Before my injury I went to the gym five days a week. I kicked ass too. Yoga, spin, 45 minute runs, an ab workout from hell–I was hot.

 Love Timeline

Since then, I found that even a 10 minute ab workout, a 20 minute run, 10 minutes of yoga–they are torture. I’ve been working with a physio and hydrotherapist. Five minutes. I’m allowed to work out for five minutes a day.

Glass case of emotion

Yeah. I know. I don’t have the rush of endorphins. The outlet for stress. I’ve gained a stone. I’m not motivated in the mornings. I quit ‘adulting’. And it’s depressing.

Being a creative with an injury sucks. Hell, being anyone with an injury sucks. My Physio has told me to forget about my old life. How? How do we as women overcome the things we have zero control of, and take our ‘selfs’ back? How do we fully ‘adult’?

Mulittask Fail LOL

Any way we can. Haha!

I can’t work for more than three, maybe four hours, at my desk without wanting to lie down. I can’t walk into town for more than an hour before wanting to lie down. My back hurts. And by hurt, my GP gave me NSAID pain relievers that relax the muscles so now I can feel that my L2 is still not fused together. And I refuse to take anything outside of that…hurt or not, I will not become dependent on pain pills to live my daily life.

So how do I ‘adult’ through it? How do we overcome those things that are above and beyond us? Like weight gain. And the people that judge us? Or douchebag doctors that mis-diagnose? Or people that are unnecessarily rude or aggressive toward us in a Walmart?

Walmart Fight

Did you guys see this? Who does that kind of crap in front of a kid? The sensationalization of ‘girl on girl bullying’ needs to stop. I barely made it out of high school thanks to the ‘Heathers’ that promoted this stuff back in the day. Learn to be adults, Ladies.

We have to concentrate on the positives around us. Focus on what is amazing–in the here and now. Not the past.

Seinfeld Dancing

I have a new feature column coming out! It’s focused on all my misadventures in travel, fashion and beauty. Yeah, it’s like sex in all the cities! I will so be posting more often now. Sorry for the sabbatical (Erica!).

I’m in Europe for the summer. Kicking ass and taking names in some amazing places. I’m learning how to workout in a pool for five minutes a day. I’m writing. For me. I’ve just been picked up on a killer project that I will eventually tell you about. I love the secret society of writing sometimes.

And well, most importantly, I have an amazing boyfriend that tells me I’m beautiful every day. Because in the words of Amy Shumer: I’m probably like 160 pounds right now and I can catch a dick whenever I want.

xx Sassy Lil’ Biscuit