Summer of Fun

This was supposed to be the ‘Summer of Fun’. Instead it has been the Summer of Suck.

‘One thing after another’ has been the theme of the week. Someone kindly reminded me yesterday that my writing was sucking, too. *that comma is there to annoy him. 🙂

I lost sight of who I am. What I want. My drive, my focus, my passion. So, God hit the reset button.

 

Tammy Gif LOL

 

I was fighting ambiguous loss. I lost, the one person, the most important person in my life. I read an article in Elite Daily today, and it all started to make sense. We have to be able to learn from everything, especially the bad stuff. The stuff we don’t want to happen. Things we have no control over. “You don’t need someone who understands you, just someone who wants you,” Paul Hudson says in Dating. He goes on to say,

“If you want to find the right person to spend your life with, then find someone who recognizes you as being important enough to fight for.”

That’s it. When do we convince ourselves to let go of something that was important, and move on? Remember my three day rule from Hope You Have An Amazing Birthday…And Get Raped By a Bear? That didn’t apply here. I fought. I fought hard. With blogs, love letters, texts, calls, and an mp3 file via email. LOL. In the end I wasn’t important enough to fight for.

I know. That is a hard thing to admit, but you have to treat people who walk out of your life like the dead ones. You mourn them just like someone who commits suicide because there are no answers. The sooner you quit torturing yourself for them, the faster you can begin to heal. And how does this Sassy Lil’ Biscuit heal? With a new writing gig involving dating–and sex toys! Shit yeah. So, it’s back to online dating. “Hey Girl, looking for something serious?”

Trolling for Daddy

Also, it’s back to writing that second book…

Final Cover Thai

A journey of self-discovery, self-healing, learning how to live, and I mean really live. I’d Rather Die Than Eat Thai is a book about ambiguous loss, and how to pull yourself out of self-loathing. I thought this book would end with a true love story, but I’m not Elizabeth Gilbert. Then again, maybe I should be:

Eat Pray Love

I woke up today realizing that I haven’t eat in three days. I’ve been so depressed I just fucking forgot to eat. And I forgot to fucking curse. I forgot who I was…I forgot to moisturize. I can’t get saggy skin. OR bags under my very pretty eyes. I’m single.

So, I’m gonna eat some mother fucking pizza today. Screw weight loss.

pizza love

I also have a date tonight. No doubt you’ll hear about it soon. Just because someone walks out of your life doesn’t mean that you have to quit living. If they don’t want you, you need to surround yourself with people who do.

xx Sassy Lil’ Biscuit

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The Worst Word in The English Language: According to Women

Diet.

Yeah, you read that right. I know some people would argue period, but I would take a lifetime of surfing the crimson tidal wave over a damn diet. Why? They suck.

I told you guys when I started this blog I was going to be brutally honest, and dieting blows harder than a seventeen year old on Prom Night.

I have been eating disgustingly not-so-delicious food since Jan 1st. Yeah. It’s gross. I don’t care who you are, eating healthy sucks ass sometimes. There are delicious smoothies, and omlettes packed with veggies, but I added loads of clean protein to my diet. *82 grams a day to be exact, and…it tastes like cardboard for the most part. Why? Because I cut out lunch meat, high fat meats, processed stuff like sausage and pepperoni, and…bacon. I know. I’m bat-shit crazy.

My best friend is doing the same thing, but cutting carbs. She’s lost 7 pounds. She also “gags down her breakfast” every day. Like me, and most women, the thought of eating things that you aren’t used to or simply don’t like is nasty.

First thing’s first: Forgive yourself for not being a size two.

Second: Fit takes effort. Lots and lots of dirty, sweaty effort.

From the tasteless cardboard food, to getting physical at the gym full of hot people in lycra, to men and their crappy comments about ‘how you should diet’, I’m here to tell you dieting is absolutely awful. Getting fit takes commitment, and people are still going to be rude to you during this process, so don’t get discouraged. Even if, most days, you’d like to go back to your couch and live there forever, for ever ever.

falling gif

 

There is temptation everywhere. It’s like your friends invite you to dinners and parties just to watch you fail.

cookie gif

 

As if that’s not bad enough, you got assholes posting stuff like this in your facebook feed:

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Oh, and men. They’re the worst. Ya’ got guys like this calling you fat…

Shallow Hal

Stand by this Ladies, you can fix fat. There ain’t no way in hell you can fix ugly. Without a million dollars and a Hollywood plastic surgeon. Yo! Douchecanoes! Stop putting women down and encourage us to look like Tyra or Gisele, dammit.

No joke. Had a man that I went all through school with–who people think is just the most awesome guy ever. He’s not. He was helping me with weightloss last year. I was actually doing pretty good, too. He introduced me to some awesome people, including a very hot doctor friend. Hot Doctor Friend and I talked for a while. He finds out the Doctor and I have developed a bit of whatever. Then tells me Hot Doctor Friend said, and I quote:

She is the most awesome woman I have ever met…but she’s fat.

Kidding me gif

Who says that? Your arch nemesis. And assholes. Assholes say that. I went home and ate a whole pizza, and cried because it was delicious.

I mean, who are men to shame us? They don’t know why we are overweight, what got us there, and it’s obviously a struggle–cause we aren’t dumb. We know, in fact, that we could lose some pounds. The worst thing you can do is tell a girl who is trying to do that, that she is indeed fat.

Men should be praising us for our sexiness. We know we aren’t perfect. Give us a slight kick in the arse to get motivated. Don’t cripple our will to live.

Die gif

Because when I do get that fight in me, the yearning to transform myself, the will power to go out and get my body back, you might not want to be the guy who called me fat.

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Because not only will I possibly kick your ass…I’m gonna look hot doing it.

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This blog is for every woman who has ever been put down by a man, made to feel less than awesome because they have a few extra pounds, my best friend who is struggling to gag down a shitty breakfast every morning to look okay in a bathing suit soon. For the girl who was bullied because she wasn’t a size two, the girl who has a female reproductive disease that keeps her from losing that last 20 pounds, the girl who eats her feelings, the woman who simply just can’t get motivated, and the one who works her ass off in the gym and still jiggles a little.

I encourage everyone reading this to start supporting one another. Check out campaigns like This Girl Can and go get your freak on…no seriously. Watch the video below. Just the best damn motivation I’ve seen in a loooooong time, Ladies.

I’m back in the gym with a bad-ass trainer on Monday. Hot Doctor, Douchecanoe School Friend and the guy who rejected me over a package full of 365 handwritten love letters will be kissing my lily white, hot ass in no time. 🙂

Now pardon me, while I go get my sassy lil’ freak on.

xx Sassy Lil’ Biscuit

This One’s For The Girls

So the very handsome, best guy friend tells me the other day: ‘We need to find you a fella…’

I wanted to be like, “Maybe, might not have, should have definitely, sorta not, made you a present that is 365 individual, hand-written notes that say ‘how awesome you are/i’m kinda smitten with you’ for you to open every day for the next year…

Shit gif

It’s currently in transit. To Australia. Fuck.

See. I asked my family to help me with half of my flight to Australia for Christmas, so I could be there when he got it on New Years’ Eve. It was supposed to be my Bridget Jone’s Diary moment where like life finally made sense, and I finally got the guy, and could blog about it. I got a sweater.

Bridget Jones Idiot Gif

I went out to drown my sorrows in a bottle of vodka. I was having a blast. Until some Jack Wagon started the annual “Cross Lanes, West Virginia Holiday Brawl” in the parking lot of the establishment I was in…shit got ugly. If you grew up in the country or the south, you’ll understand this. If you did not, yes, people here often behave like a bunch of f’ing zoo animals.

Karen LOL

Of course, the night had already been one hell of shit show. I ran into the mean girls. No joke. My high school was the birthplace of the ‘original’ mean girls.

M8DHEAT EC009

This is why I hate coming home. The people that made your life hell before you left your sleepy little town for bright lights and big skylines come out the woodwork at Christmas with some great stuff:

I thought you were supposed to be in Australia?

Why are you still single?

Your facebook posts are really vulgar. You really shouldn’t curse and say you’re a Christian.

You’re a hippocrate, not a comedian.

Why aren’t you in England?

Are you gonna adopt since you can’t find a man?

Heathers gif

Then rocks up the guy who publicly states he’s always wanted to bang you, and even though he has a girlfriend–she’s in Florida, and it would totally be cool to go out to your car and screw in the back seat…

Classy LOL

Let’s not forget the one girl who doesn’t believe anything you’ve done and makes fun of your accomplishments right to your face:

Oh, you’re a writer huh? You do films? Haven’t seen you on any red carpets lately.

Me: I just commissioned my first feature film, so I’m on my way. *insert genuine smile

Oh, Honey. You live in a dream world. You should really let go of those fantasies and get a ‘real job’.

It was like being at a high school reunion and really wanting to tell people how you feel…

Monkeys LOL gif

Of course the guy who wants to make all your dreams come true in your back-seat comes back for one more attempt to get you naked…”You always flirt with me, so I just thought you wanted to ride it.”

Flirting LOL gif

Unless you got 365 individual, hand-written notes with hilarious sayings, secret little jokes between the two of us, some sweet sentiments, and frisky little good morning stuffs for Christmas, you’re not the guy I’m currently flirting with.

It took me a moment, but I finally stood up very tall. I looked him dead in the face, took a step back, took one very, deep breathe, and let him have it:

I’m better than that. I’m better than some back-seat hookup with you. I deserve a hell of a lot more than some crappy offer to go shag you in ‘my’ car, because you don’t have one. So, no. I don’t wanna go fuck you in the parking lot of a bar. Because I’m fucking awesome.

Crushed it

I might not be your Hollywood Sweetheart, but I am a ‘Living Legend’, and I don’t have time for negative people in my life. I’ll be sure to wave at ya’ll from the red carpet when I get back to L.A. and spank it in the writing business.

Don’t believe me? Just watch.

xx Sassy Lil’ Biscuit

P.s. I totally, confidently, strutted my sassy ass away from the douche canoe, right up to the DJ booth, told him to play something sassy for me. This song blasts over the speakers, and I danced it off–right in their hater faces, with some very classy white girl moves. “Smoother than a fresh jar o’ Skippy.”